How To Pick Up Women

Women aren’t stupid, nor are they all the same, so what works for one woman might not work for all or even most, but there are some characteristics and practices that seem to appeal to more women than not.


Confidence, not cockiness, helps. Symptoms of confidence include good posture, an assured speaking voice, and a healthy level of eye contact. You want to speak and carry yourself as one who knows what he wants and is willing to take a risk in order to obtain it. You want your mission to be clear, and you want to be clearly committed to it.


Listening is a means of value-giving. Just as, if not more important than what you say is how you listen and how you respond, verbally and non-verbally to a woman when she responds to your advance. Listen not merely to hear words. Listen in order to give value. Again, use eye-contact and make sure you are facing her from a distance that is not awkwardly far but not intimidatingly close. Close enough to put your hand on her shoulder but not close enough to hug her. Remember: the purpose of your listening is not only to hear what is being said but to communicate your appreciation for what she is saying. Value her, beginning with her words.

Be Welcoming

Smile, not like a dork, but like one who is genuinely happy to be interacting with a beautiful woman. Smile like you know she likes you. Unfold your arms. Use simple hand gestures, and let your hands face up more than down. Up is inviting and offering. Down is controlling and oppressive. Make a clear offer for her to respond to. Ambiguity is not your friend. Give her something to either say yes or no to. Instead of asking for her number, offer to contact her. It’s less risky to offer her your number, but it is not her responsibility to reach out to you. You are the initiator. You are the driver. Act as such.

Be Safe

This is not easy to communicate non-verbally, but this is what you’re going for, maybe more than anything. More than most women want an attractive man, they want a safe man. Physical attractiveness at its best is only a means of getting noticed by a species that is much less visually stimulated than it is emotionally hungry. Women want to feel protected, and while many a man will spend countless hours at the gym working to make himself appear as one who could defend his woman against an attacker in a dark alleyway, the truth is that if you can muster the balls to approach her, you’ll get much further in a relationship with her if you can demonstrate yourself as one in whom she can entrust herself and her emotions. In other words, while it’s good to be able to protect her from an attacker, you’ll more often need to know how to safeguard the outpouring of her emotions.

Can she share herself with you? Can you hear what she is most ashamed of, uncertain of, and insecure about, and still love and accept her exactly as she is? Can you be vulnerable with her, and she with you, such that your iniquities lean against one another in a supportive way rather than a corrosive way? Maybe you can carry her through a door, but can you carry on together through uneasy times? Can you care about her when she doesn’t care about herself? When she doesn’t care about you?

If you can, you may not be merely picking up a woman. You may be cherishing her. But then, that’s how you attract a woman. The ability and desire to cherish is attractive.

Summed Up

The truth is that the best way to attract a woman is to reflect the man of Christ. Be confident. Know who you are. Know why you are here. Give of yourself in such a way that says, ‘I value you more than my own well-being.’ Welcome her. Invite her. Be safe for her. Provide, protect, and pray for her.

It is He after all that she and all of us long for, whether we know it or not. It is He that satisfies our souls, and He that she requires, as do you. Consequently, the better you know Him, the better you might reflect Him, the better you might love her, and the more she might desire you; keeping in mind that Christ was crucified by the church He loved. And loves.

It is of course in the process of coming to know Him better that I hope that you might see the absolute ridiculousness of using the example of Christ to lure a woman into bed. No greater evidence of your depravity, and thus need for Christ, may exist other than in your willingness to use Him as a pickup line; as a means to your selfish ends.

Certainly, is not good for man to be alone, but it’s also not good to use women as if they were created by our Father merely for the sake of validating our false understanding of what it means to be a man. I’m sorry to say I’ve been guilty of this.

So do her a favor: point her to Him, and if the day should come when you are both oriented on Him and able to wed in a God-glorifying way, then point her to the alter. And then to the room. Because only then, when you are free to be who you were created to be, and free to have sex in the context it was created to be known in, will you be free. Going through the motions of intimacy without doing so in the safe container that God gave us to enjoy it within is no more wise or enjoyable than it would be to create a warm, crackling fire on the living room carpet, in front of the fireplace. You will do more harm than good, and fail to understand the wonderfulness of fire–or sex–in its rightful place. You will only know a cheap and destructive substitute.


It’s not what you should want. It’s what you already most want, even if don’t realize it yet.

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